Forgotten Onion Article of the Week

Elderly Woman Applying Makeup Most Heartbreaking Thing On Earth

Have you seen my glasses?

“PARMA, OH—In an unbelievably heartrending and entirely futile undertaking intended to recapture some infinitesimal shred of her faded beauty and youth, 82-year-old Rachel Shultz painstakingly put on her makeup Monday. “This is the same shade of lipstick I wore when I met [Shultz’s long-dead husband] Kenneth,” Shultz said as she steadied her palsied right hand with her left while applying the bright red cosmetic to her thin, bloodless lips, a process that only served to accentuate the weathered crevices crisscrossing her face like hundreds of tiny dried riverbeds. “That was in Cleveland right after the war, back when I was a candy striper. I was quite the looker.” Shultz later dozed lightly in the lobby of her assisted-living center while waiting for her daughter to drive her to a friend’s funeral. ”

http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/elderly_woman_applying

Actual Quote from an Actual Friend

We wait on bed sheets... and toilet seats

“I don’t know if I have an STD but I’m pissing Mayo and my balls look like a slalom run”

Woody’s World: Still A Vacuum of Depressing Nothingness

Get Wide!

I was watching this, Woody Paige’s thoughts on Alexander “Sasha” Artemev’s, a Colorado Native’s winning of a bronze medel, and it reminded me of a few things:

– Woody Paige sitting their, no production value as we’ve touched on before, is boring

– As he continually tries to say Alexander “Sasha” Artemev(I don’t know how to spell it but that’s how he said it)

– His “sign off” of “I’m Woody Paige, and I’ll see you in the sports pages” is up there with “Here’s Johnny” and “Rectum, Damn Near Killed Em'”

 

http://videocenter.denverpost.com/services/link/bcpid1480107696/bclid1481452837/bctid1726720362

Actual Quote From An Actual Friend

I been shaked

“I’m laying in the park on my lunch break dreaming of a life that doesn’t so closely resemble hell”

Can It Be Done?!!??!

I need your help people.  Can it be done?  Most girls these days like Abercrombie wearing, hair that you cant stop staring, and popped collars that knock your socks off.  I would think they would want a guy who could eat 5 big macs. 

The time limit? Still TBD.  I told my friend Paul I could nom nom nom them in about 20 minutes, and he said he would pay me 50 bucks.  I have not trained for this, but I think if I have the right state of mind it could be done.  Paul also said he would pay for price of big macs (approx 15 dollars) and 50 more if I could do it.  But as I said I need to know how much time I could get?  Okay Fair Pole readers (that’s 20 of you) please comment on the chances of this happening!!!

YES WE CAN!!!

5….5 freaking biggggg macs (in the tune of the subway 5 dollar foot longs)

Special Sauce

Forgotten Onion Article of the Week

That Full House Episode Where They Meet The Beach Boys Is On Tomorrow At 3 P.M.

"I'm hungry" - Brian Wilson

Walk It Out

Maybe I’ve posted this before, but I don’t think I have.  What’s important is how unbelievable this is.  It’s from the 1960’s but somebody with wayyy too much time on their hands (i.e. updating a blog with only hundreds of readers every day), noticed that their choreographed dance was spot on with Unk’s “Walk It Out”.

Camel Toe Annie: Insert A Caption

Via Tiricosuave.com comes the following picture that could turn a straight man gay:

Wrong Hole! (via tiricosuave.com)

I haven’t been this horrified by a picture since the before and after pictures of Stephanie Tanner.

Not So Fast “HERO”

Michael Phelps is not human. In fact he is a fish. Breaking news out of China has determined that Phelps’ has had sex with 412312 females and 3 males. How’d the males get involved? Don’t ask.

If you are a regular contributor to the fair pole, and if you are not, what the fuck is wrong with you, Guyswithadream has a huge man crush on Phelps. Hey who wouldn’t right? Guy is a freak, but I’m going to play devils advocate here which always leads to great fun.

 

you want....to touch?

 

Do you care that he won 8 gold medals? Really do you care? I am happy for him sure, but I would 100 percent rather “The Redeem Team” (btw that slogan sounds like something Home Depot would pitch during a backyard home makeover sale) win the Gold over Phelps’ 8 medals.

I just don’t really care. Olympics are so 1500. We get all involved for two weeks and then one week later we could care less. If I saw Michael Phelps at a bar in December I would be excited, but it would last all of three minutes.

It’s like when McDonalds brings back the McRib. Sure he is getting some mad tail, but I think I would much rather be lets say Evan Langoria of the Tampa Bay Rays.

Guy is 23, good lucking, playing in Florida totally away from the press, and probably bangs a new Florida hottie every day. No one has to know. No one has to care. Everyone gets to be happy. Phelps can go on endorsing and he will make his cash-Visa, Speedo, Omega, and for some odd reason Rosetta Stone speech-and don’t even fucking tell me he used it to learn Chinese…I mean how much could he have possibly made for that?

Do they have money for ads? 3-4 Susan B Anthony’s is my call. So Micheal Phelps your life is good ya, but trust me guys, there are plenty of dudes I’d rather be. Yes Michel Phelps is one of them…ahhh sad

 

her? no sex, just head

Olympics…Still More Confusing than Women

I don’t get it. I am just going to come out swinging and ask you America why we care about the Olympics. I am not going to lie, I have watched a ton, got into them too, but still am confused why we care so much about some sport just created and so little about one’s that “matter”.

We get caught up in watching Misty May because she’s a hottie and gymnastics because we still love that coach who mumbles through English and love the passion, but shouldn’t this be a time when all sports really should matter?

We invented basketball so we want to win Gold and demolish everyone, but didn’t we create baseball also? Did you even know we had a team? I would have lied if I said I was sure we did.

Badminton and fencing get more love than baseball. And another sport that gets very little love? Soccer. Shouldn’t this be it Europe? Didn’t you all love the Euro Cup and obviously the world cup? But no one cares. No one could care less.

Roger Federer made it seem like a chore he even had to play. He’d much rather win Wimbledon than win a gold medal for his country!!! Here’s the catch. I don’t care either. I’d rather win my fantasy football league than USA win any medals. I’m thrilled three ladies swept the fencing competition.

No I’m not. How the fuck do you even get into fencing? Dad must make over 500,000 a year and belong to a country club?  Shit man. How to fix the Olympics? Make them every 16 years and always have them in the Eastern Time zone so I can watch them live. Other than that, my angry rant is now over.

image not coming in clear? do you care?