Woody’s World: Still A Vacuum of Depressing Nothingness

Get Wide!

Get Wide!

I was watching this, Woody Paige’s thoughts on Alexander “Sasha” Artemev’s, a Colorado Native’s winning of a bronze medel, and it reminded me of a few things:

– Woody Paige sitting their, no production value as we’ve touched on before, is boring

– As he continually tries to say Alexander “Sasha” Artemev(I don’t know how to spell it but that’s how he said it)

– His “sign off” of “I’m Woody Paige, and I’ll see you in the sports pages” is up there with “Here’s Johnny” and “Rectum, Damn Near Killed Em'”

 

http://videocenter.denverpost.com/services/link/bcpid1480107696/bclid1481452837/bctid1726720362

Imagined Rick Reilly Teaser of the Week

Is that an emergency parachute or are you happy to see me?

Is that an emergency parachute or are you happy to see me?

“I’ve flown a fighter jet, lead off an ESPN News segment and wined and dined with Charles Barkley.  So what would the next logical step be?  Do the words tandem diving and felching mean anything to you?”

In Search of the Great American Brew

Manly men nationwide have been lamenting Budweisers jump across the pond. I bet some of these man now listen to Death Cab for Cuties Transatlanticism when no one is looking.

Manly men nationwide have been lamenting Budweiser's jump across the pond. I bet some of these men now listen to Death Cab for Cutie's 'Transatlanticism' when no one is watching.

Nectar of the Gods. The Golden Elixir. Redneck Kool-Aid. Suds. Brewskis. Man in a Can. Whatever you want to call it, America’s version seems to be in trouble these days.

Millions of beer-drinking Americans have been up in arms ever since European-based InBev bought out Anhueser-Busch last month. Now, only a few American-based breweries remain. So, the major question being posed is this: which beer will take over Budweiser’s role as the Great American Brew?

Could Sammy A’s become the next Great American Brew?

Samuel Adams helped Ben Franklin in Eiffel Towering wenches

Samuel Adams often assisted Benjamin Franklin in 'Eiffel Towering' wenches

It’s possible, but not very likely considering the average price of a six-pack. But still, I think it’s Samuel Adams’s chance to branch out further and capture America’s beer-drinking heart with its authentically patriotic brand. Ah, (Boston-region baritone) SAMUEL ADAMS.

Could Yeungling a.k.a. “Vitamin-Y” become the next Great American Brew?

Four more plus a couple key bumps ... Yup, Ill morph right back into Barry ...

Four more plus a couple key bumps ... Yup, I'll morph right back into Barry ...

It’s doubtful because the family-owned brewery will neither sell nor expand. Yuengling has been creating beer in Pennsylvania for nearly two-hundred years. It’s the oldest brewery in the US, and it’s still only available in a dozen states, all of which are located along the eastern seaboard. It’s fun to say, though. YING-LING.

Could Narragansett become the next Great American Brew?

Its effin Gansett ya ree-tahd.

It's effin 'Gansett ya ree-tahd.

Probably not, but it’s a fine wobbly pop nonetheless. Narragansett or “fuckin ‘Gansett” to Skoal-dipping folks of New England, was one of the more popular beers in America during the late 70’s. It’s based out of Rhode Island, and a nice pitcher of its lager ain’t a bad deal if you’re strictly looking to get shitfaced.

Could Pabst Blue Ribbon become the next Great American Brew?

Gee, I looked like a huge whitebread tool back. I never thought Pabst drinkers would one day become so damn cool ...

Gee, I'm a huge sweater-vest-wearing tool. How the hell did all of today's Pabst drinkers become so cool?!?

Many people are saying the red, white, and blue brand may soon wear the crown, but there’s no way that‘ll happen. Why, you ask? Well, first of all, the taste of Pabst vaguely resembles that of cat urine. Moreover, Pabst Blue Ribbon isn’t even a true American brew. It closed its Milwaukee brewery ten years ago. Bottles and cans of PBR are now produced by the Miller company, which mixes its poison somewhere in South Africa. So, technically, becoming the next Great American Brew should be impossible. One thing’s for sure: if PBR ever replaced Bud on a cultural level, hipsters would have no choice but to go ahead and find themselves another retro-chic beer to champion. Wow, that’s pathetic.

CONCLUSION: There will never be another Great American Brew ever again. At least not in our lifetime. Sip on that.

SO … you might’ve already seen this video, but anyway, on a slightly tangential note, here you go:

Maybe I’m not cool/hip enough, but I LOVE IT. It’s all too true/hilarious.

Cheers, mate.

Jim Caple Attempt to Be Bill Simmons of the Week

 

Flaming!

Flaming!

With the Olympics starting soon, what better way to get into the spirit then to enjoy an article that I would only read if somebody printed it off and taped to the back of a bathroom stall.

“Back during the 1976 Olympics in Montreal, McDonald’s ran a promotion in which it handed out Olympic scratch cards with the slogan, “When the U.S. Wins, You Win!” (or something like that; it was a long time and several Bruce Jenner face-lifts ago). ”

– Jim Caple

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=caple/080807

Forgotten Onion Article of the Week

1985 Photo Reveals ESPN’s John Clayton Was 6′ 6″ 275-Pound Bears Lineman

 

I like your smile

 

http://www.theonion.com/content/from_print/1985_photo_reveals_espns

ESPN.com-Article-I-Would-Not-Read-Even-If-Someone-Stuck -A-Gun-To-My-Head of the Day

Me Angy

Me Angy

“Female athletes are not wrapped in pristine white robes. Just like men, they are intense and get angry.”

By Jemele Hill

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=hill/080723

Imagined Rick Reilly Teaser Headline of the Week

They want you, they want you, they want you as a new recruit

They want you, they want you, they want you as a new recruit

“For Dave Chappelle, his hiatus from the hit Chappelle Show is off limits. But talking shop about his hometown Cincinnati Reds? This guy spouted off the names Larkin, Anderson, Morgan, and Vander Meer faster than a homophobe sprints away from a Gay Pride Parade”