Forgotten Onion Article of the Week

Elderly Woman Applying Makeup Most Heartbreaking Thing On Earth

Have you seen my glasses?

Have you seen my glasses?

“PARMA, OH—In an unbelievably heartrending and entirely futile undertaking intended to recapture some infinitesimal shred of her faded beauty and youth, 82-year-old Rachel Shultz painstakingly put on her makeup Monday. “This is the same shade of lipstick I wore when I met [Shultz’s long-dead husband] Kenneth,” Shultz said as she steadied her palsied right hand with her left while applying the bright red cosmetic to her thin, bloodless lips, a process that only served to accentuate the weathered crevices crisscrossing her face like hundreds of tiny dried riverbeds. “That was in Cleveland right after the war, back when I was a candy striper. I was quite the looker.” Shultz later dozed lightly in the lobby of her assisted-living center while waiting for her daughter to drive her to a friend’s funeral.


Olympics…Still More Confusing than Women

I don’t get it. I am just going to come out swinging and ask you America why we care about the Olympics. I am not going to lie, I have watched a ton, got into them too, but still am confused why we care so much about some sport just created and so little about one’s that “matter”.

We get caught up in watching Misty May because she’s a hottie and gymnastics because we still love that coach who mumbles through English and love the passion, but shouldn’t this be a time when all sports really should matter?

We invented basketball so we want to win Gold and demolish everyone, but didn’t we create baseball also? Did you even know we had a team? I would have lied if I said I was sure we did.

Badminton and fencing get more love than baseball. And another sport that gets very little love? Soccer. Shouldn’t this be it Europe? Didn’t you all love the Euro Cup and obviously the world cup? But no one cares. No one could care less.

Roger Federer made it seem like a chore he even had to play. He’d much rather win Wimbledon than win a gold medal for his country!!! Here’s the catch. I don’t care either. I’d rather win my fantasy football league than USA win any medals. I’m thrilled three ladies swept the fencing competition.

No I’m not. How the fuck do you even get into fencing? Dad must make over 500,000 a year and belong to a country club?  Shit man. How to fix the Olympics? Make them every 16 years and always have them in the Eastern Time zone so I can watch them live. Other than that, my angry rant is now over.

image broken? do u care?

image not coming in clear? do you care? Article I Wouldn’t Read if Somebody Stuck A Gun to My Head

My hat doesnt fit anymore

My hat doesn't fit anymore

“A year ago, Matt Murphy caught Barry Bonds’ record 756th homer. How has his life changed?”

-Jemele Hill

Blame It On the Rain

Milly Vanilli…I haven’t thought about them in a long time. In fact it has been weeks. As we know the entire earth and universe are Red Sox fans, hence the name Red Sox Nation.

We all know Red Sox Nation is a marketing creation probably created by George W. Bush, but this gem really made us chuckle. Jonathan Papelbon truly does remind us why white people don’t dance.

Manny Delcarmen illustrates to us what good dancing can look like. Wally the Green Monster reminds us what nightmares feel like. He kinda resembles Jack the Ripper from Last Action hero…yeah I went there…

Actual Breaking News Headlines from ESPN NEWS

“Rafael Nadal wins Wimbledon”… Cool

“Casey Khame docked 150 points for equipment malfunction”…What? Nascar?

“Brett Favre requests release from Packers”…NO WAY!

“Brett Favre orders Turkey sandwich instead receives Ham”…MONSTERS!!!

“Tampa Bay loses 7th game in a row”…Devil Rays or Rays?

“Philadelphia Soul advances to Arena Bowl XXII”…22??? Say Whaaaa!

Forgotten Onion Article of the Week

Dance-Club Bathroom Left Out Of Gay Couple’s Meeting Story

Everybody clap your hands

Everybody clap your hands

Officially Starting to Worry

You know from there you dont even have to get on your knees

You know from there you don't even have to get on your knees

Okay now I am just weirded out. I know that Josh Childrees signed somehow 432,432,432 Euros TAX FREE to play basketball in Europe and others have followed, but ESPN is reporting that Earl Boykins has signed for 3.5 million dollars with a team in Italy.

Earl Boykins was basically released from the NBA-hence no one wanted him. I really am starting to consider myself for a try out. Carlos Arroyo signed a 3 year deal with some team in Israel.

If I honestly had to bet, with a gun to my head, and someone told me Israel had a pro league that could hand out multimillion dollar contracts-well my head would no longer by attached to my body. Whatever. This is so weird to me. All these guys are OK, not great. Kristic was alright. I saw him on top 10 a couple of times. Childress was lanky and resembled Urkel. Nachbar was supposed to be good, so he will just be good over there.

Don’t worry hardcore Roto League players with 45 man rosters. They will all be back. All of them you here me! What does America have that other countries don’t?  EASY lets just rattle them off. Taco Bell, swimming, biddies, long shorts, comedy, movies without subtitles, and of course-Asian Food.

America Rocks suckers. Enjoy your free health care. You will be back.

I get 8 million EUROS for Did I do that?

I get 8 million EUROS for Did I do that?