Actual Quote from an Actual Friend

We wait on bed sheets... and toilet seats

“I don’t know if I have an STD but I’m pissing Mayo and my balls look like a slalom run”

Actual Quote From An Actual Friend

I been shaked

“I’m laying in the park on my lunch break dreaming of a life that doesn’t so closely resemble hell”

Can It Be Done?!!??!

I need your help people.  Can it be done?  Most girls these days like Abercrombie wearing, hair that you cant stop staring, and popped collars that knock your socks off.  I would think they would want a guy who could eat 5 big macs. 

The time limit? Still TBD.  I told my friend Paul I could nom nom nom them in about 20 minutes, and he said he would pay me 50 bucks.  I have not trained for this, but I think if I have the right state of mind it could be done.  Paul also said he would pay for price of big macs (approx 15 dollars) and 50 more if I could do it.  But as I said I need to know how much time I could get?  Okay Fair Pole readers (that’s 20 of you) please comment on the chances of this happening!!!

YES WE CAN!!!

5….5 freaking biggggg macs (in the tune of the subway 5 dollar foot longs)

Special Sauce

Not So Fast “HERO”

Michael Phelps is not human. In fact he is a fish. Breaking news out of China has determined that Phelps’ has had sex with 412312 females and 3 males. How’d the males get involved? Don’t ask.

If you are a regular contributor to the fair pole, and if you are not, what the fuck is wrong with you, Guyswithadream has a huge man crush on Phelps. Hey who wouldn’t right? Guy is a freak, but I’m going to play devils advocate here which always leads to great fun.

 

you want....to touch?

 

Do you care that he won 8 gold medals? Really do you care? I am happy for him sure, but I would 100 percent rather “The Redeem Team” (btw that slogan sounds like something Home Depot would pitch during a backyard home makeover sale) win the Gold over Phelps’ 8 medals.

I just don’t really care. Olympics are so 1500. We get all involved for two weeks and then one week later we could care less. If I saw Michael Phelps at a bar in December I would be excited, but it would last all of three minutes.

It’s like when McDonalds brings back the McRib. Sure he is getting some mad tail, but I think I would much rather be lets say Evan Langoria of the Tampa Bay Rays.

Guy is 23, good lucking, playing in Florida totally away from the press, and probably bangs a new Florida hottie every day. No one has to know. No one has to care. Everyone gets to be happy. Phelps can go on endorsing and he will make his cash-Visa, Speedo, Omega, and for some odd reason Rosetta Stone speech-and don’t even fucking tell me he used it to learn Chinese…I mean how much could he have possibly made for that?

Do they have money for ads? 3-4 Susan B Anthony’s is my call. So Micheal Phelps your life is good ya, but trust me guys, there are plenty of dudes I’d rather be. Yes Michel Phelps is one of them…ahhh sad

 

her? no sex, just head

Olympics…Still More Confusing than Women

I don’t get it. I am just going to come out swinging and ask you America why we care about the Olympics. I am not going to lie, I have watched a ton, got into them too, but still am confused why we care so much about some sport just created and so little about one’s that “matter”.

We get caught up in watching Misty May because she’s a hottie and gymnastics because we still love that coach who mumbles through English and love the passion, but shouldn’t this be a time when all sports really should matter?

We invented basketball so we want to win Gold and demolish everyone, but didn’t we create baseball also? Did you even know we had a team? I would have lied if I said I was sure we did.

Badminton and fencing get more love than baseball. And another sport that gets very little love? Soccer. Shouldn’t this be it Europe? Didn’t you all love the Euro Cup and obviously the world cup? But no one cares. No one could care less.

Roger Federer made it seem like a chore he even had to play. He’d much rather win Wimbledon than win a gold medal for his country!!! Here’s the catch. I don’t care either. I’d rather win my fantasy football league than USA win any medals. I’m thrilled three ladies swept the fencing competition.

No I’m not. How the fuck do you even get into fencing? Dad must make over 500,000 a year and belong to a country club?  Shit man. How to fix the Olympics? Make them every 16 years and always have them in the Eastern Time zone so I can watch them live. Other than that, my angry rant is now over.

image not coming in clear? do you care?

Weekend Box Office Wrap Up: 8/18/2008

What do you mean you people

1. Tropic Thunder – $26.0 Million

With all of the controversy about the use of the word “retarded”, I think the bigger issue was Jack Black’s complete inability to be funny.  As an aside, can you imagine how much ass Michael Phelps will get now?

2. The Dark Knight – $16.8 Million

Johnny Depp as the Riddler?  Philip Seymour Hoffman as the Penguin?  How about Rosie O’ Donnell as the overweight Robin?

3.  Star Wars: The Clone Wars – $15.5 Million

Shitty idea.  Looked like an awful movie. 

4.  Mirrors – $11.1 Million

This movie looked really scary in the same vein that the new season of Chuck looks really funny. 

5.  Pineapple Express– $10.0 Million

Really disappointing.  I laughed the hardest when the two asian men were sitting in a truck and they sub-titled in “I have to take a shit”.

Also, crazy to think this guy (Craig Robinson of the office) is an allegedmeth addict.

http://www.boxofficemojo.com/weekend/chart/

Blame It On the Rain

Milly Vanilli…I haven’t thought about them in a long time. In fact it has been weeks. As we know the entire earth and universe are Red Sox fans, hence the name Red Sox Nation.

We all know Red Sox Nation is a marketing creation probably created by George W. Bush, but this gem really made us chuckle. Jonathan Papelbon truly does remind us why white people don’t dance.

Manny Delcarmen illustrates to us what good dancing can look like. Wally the Green Monster reminds us what nightmares feel like. He kinda resembles Jack the Ripper from Last Action hero…yeah I went there…

Wishes

Are you there God?

– A cure for a nasty hangover

– A basic understanding of just how much tail Michael Phelps is going to get over the next 30 years of his life

– To be placed in a large white room while men in hazmat suits spray me with a hose as I run on a treadmill.  Vivaldi’s “Four Seasons” plays in the background

Cereal Update: Just Bunches

I thank iliveinthebasment for his well thought out cereal piece that I began thinking about my fav 5 of cereals.  Ya, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Honey Bunches of Oats, and Honey Nut Cheerios is always solid, but now is time for a new creation. 

This story is still breaking so I must hold my excitement.  Rumor is Honey Bunches of Oats is releasing “Just Bunches”, meaning you just get a whole bag full of those delicious cancer clusters they call oats.  I don’t know about you, but I believe this cereal has the chance to be revolutionary good.  This will rival only Micheal Phelps, as the greatest thing to enter the Universe.  Maybe since Phelps eats 12,343,224 calories a day, he can start of his day with two boxes of this wonderful creation.

Just a Heart Attack!

The Wrong Use of 911

Tell Me How My Ass Taste

From breitbart.com comes the tale of a man who really wanted his sandwich order right.

“Jacksonville police say Reginald Peterson needs to learn that 911 is not the appropriate place to complain that Subway left the sauce off a spicy Italian sandwich.

Police said the 42-year-old man dialed 911 twice last week so he could have his sub made correctly. The second call was to complain that officers weren’t arriving fast enough.”

http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=D92BL5FO0&show_article=1