USA vs Canada: Its Go Time!!!

Put on a Jimi Thing

After the MLB All-Star Game there isn’t much to follow on sports besides your beloved Baseball Team. And if your team isn’t the Red Sox, Yankees, (Devil) Rays, Angles, the city of Chicago, Minneota, Detroit, Philadelphia, NY Mets, the 20 Marlin Fans, or the entire NL West (Your defending NL champs are 16 below 500 and only 6 out, that team is the Rockies by the way), you are resorted to NFL training camps, some guy named Favre, WNBA fights, and Trey Wingo on College Football Live. THAT IS UNTIL NOW.

Its America vs America’s Hat. This shit is going to be fantastic. We may be upset about losing the last Olympics, but Canada hasn’t won their sport (sticks that hit a black thing into a net) since the 2002 Olympics, and has lost about 10 straight World Championships and YES they care about that stuff there.

I would love to beat Canada say 124-18 with Steve Nash getting all 18 points and all 18 assists (say what?). Coolness. Maybe this will be a preview of why Nash needs to convert or something.

We beat you down like Thachuck beats Lemiux. U-S-A. U-S-A. America. Hot Dogs. Baseball. Blonde Women. Water Parks. Roller Coasters. Ice Cream. Fights. Howard Stern. The WNBA. FUCK YEAH!!!

Title Town USA: PLEASE END

I would do anything. ANYTHING..to end Title Town USA. I simply don’t get it. The other night our lead anchor, John Anderson, told us J.D drew was born in Valdosta, Georgia and that is why they call Valdosta title town. Also, we learned they have some high school football team that won some titles.

Cool.

So they’re Title Town? Couldn’t this just be solved mathematically? Like take a city and see how many titles their pro and college teams have won? Guess not.

Other head scratchers that make me want to take up Yoga:

1. Your most dangerous drunk city in the United States? DENVER, COLORADO!!! Second to Last? Miami, FL. Ahead of Durham, North Carolina and Alaska Fairbanks. Denver has more crazy drunks than Miami? In a word…No

2. Healthiest States: 1. Colorado…ok, makes sense. But with all those drunk people so healthy? Cool, whatever. But number 2? Montana. Yes, ok, because all of 30 people who live there are 200 pounds. Very healthy indeed.

3. Hottest women according to Hot or Not:

Number 1: Washington DC

Number 2 New Orelans

Number 3 San Diego

Unless San Diego had a Charger like playoff peformance come decison day, I will never believe that DC and New Orleans has hotter women than San Diego. I am sorry.

These wacky debates are nothing compared to Title Town USA!!!

Awkward Photo of the Week

Yu-Gi-Oh!

Hate the Red Sox or hate the Yankees, even you, average fan, knows this kid is just too messed up. I don’t care if his mom likes one team and the dad another, you make up your damn mind.

This is ordering a Big Mac at the Burger King. How do parents even let a child walk out the door like this? The best part? The Yankee Jersey he is reportedly wearing was a Randy Johnson jersey. I haven’t seen this much confusion and ambiguity since Clay Aiken.

ESPN.com-Article-I-Would-Not-Read-Even-If-Someone-Stuck -A-Gun-To-My-Head of the Day

“After all the highs and lows, the U.S. track and field trials proved why it’s a far more difficult event than the Olympics”

By Jim Caple

http://sports.espn.go.com/oly/trackandfield/columns/story?columnist=caple_jim&id=3475952

WTF?

Yesterday my plane had to make an emergency landing in Pittsburgh. After making some repairs, the pilot and mechanics spun up the engine to test the newly installed parts. The engine almost immediately caught fire and was shut down. Children cried, businessmen anxiously scrolled their Blackberrys, and I retreated behind the learned facade of the latest New Yorker.

After one hour, they announced that we would have stay in Pittsburgh for the night and rebook on flights for the following morning. The prospect of spending a night in Pittsburgh sent the hordes of uppity white people on my plane into a cannibalizing frenzy. A dumb, portly woman broke down in tears at the prospect of not reaching her Mary Kay conference. Two pregnant women squared off against an Asian couple struggling to comprehend their situation and the obscenities being hurled at them. At this moment, when the once-docile travelers were poised to rip each others faces off, I saw this advertisement:

killer boots man

My heart sank even lower. I tried to do the math and frantically scribbled down Benjamin Bratt’s personal and professional milestones as hell erupted all around me:

-Pushed coke on a pregnant Catherine Zeta-Jones.

-Dated Julia Roberts for 3 years. She dumped him for a cameraman.

-Starred in the hit military drama E-Ring on CBS.

-Played minor character in Demolition Man

I envisioned crescendoing commercials with quotes from media critics at Phoenix network affiliates saying things like “Bratt UNLEASHED,” and “This IS drama.” Why can’t I Love Money play on every channel? Why am I alive?

Forgotten Onion Article of the Week

Burundi Beef Council: ‘Please Send Beef’

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28429

Why is Desagna Diop Smiling?

OK, maybe Desagna isn’t smiling in that picture, but he will be a very happy man soon. Why? Because he is 7 ft tall and only 26 years old. As an unrestricted free agent, Dasagna can sign with any team he desires (i.e. the one team in the league which incomprehensively offers him 50% more than any other is willing to pay).

Taking into account Desagna’s stellar statistics (career averages of 2.1 pts and 3.9 reb per game) and the fact that he speaks zero English (which will be helpful in uniting a team of me-first athletes), he is sure to be a welcome addition to any decent-but-not-good-enough-to-ever-win-a-title NBA franchise.

Early reports are that the Mavs will pursue Desagna in the coming days. The prospect of having to match up with Desagna in the rough and tumble Western Conference must terrify Duncan and Bynum…

The prediction: 5 yrs/60 mil

What a joke.

Joey Gathright Better Than Kobe in All Ways

We all know Kobe jumped over a car.  No wait, he faked it.  Why did he fake it?  Because he thought it was the cool thing to do. You know athletes want to be liked, so therefore they fake jumping over cars.  Kobe lost his McDonald’s endorsement and in turn jumped over a car to gain fans…makes sense…you’re right it doesn’t.

But let me introduce you to Joey Gathright from those pesky Kansas City Royals, who did jump over a car. Why? FOR THE LOVE OF THE GAME!

Where Walter Sharpe Happens

From the Detroit Free Press:

(image from Detroitfreepress.com)

“The Pistons just drafted a narcoleptic, academically suspect, unknown player from a mid-major conference who was arrested less than a year ago. What’s not to love?”

When I heard about this it reminded me of a happier, more exhuberant version of Keon Clark.

http://freep.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080627/SPORTS03/806270422

If This Headline Doesn’t Grab You…

In other news, grass is green

http://www.denverpost.com/paige/ci_9606590