Cereal Heads Gather ‘Round

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Hey Mikey he likes it

I’ve had this discussion with many people on many different occasions . . . There is a certain kind of person who truly enjoys a good bowl of cereal. Everybody knows this, no one can really deny it. What’s the common denominator, though? There certainly seems to be one, but confidently describing it has long proven impossible. Although, enjoying cereal usually means one appreciates the stupid, trivial things in life.

The same folks who obsess over pop-culture tidbits are often the same folks who worship Boo Berry. That said, an extensive blog post concerning cereal seems to be very much at home on a page filled with Dr. Claw and Camp Anawanna references. I watched episodes of Inspector Gadget and Salute Your Shorts with many a cereal bowl in my face.

This is not a ranking of cereals, but merely random commentary on random cereals. I apologize for the length, but someone needed to get these cereal-related thoughts out of his system before heading back to the basement. So, if you’re like most people, meaning you love blogs, but hate to read, you can always skip straight to the great videos near the bottom.

Cracklin’ Oat Bran

Most likely, this unbeatable cereal is only familiar to serious die-hards, and so, I‘ll let it be known: Cracklin’ Oat Bran is out of control. Back when you could snatch up a box of Cheerios for two bucks and change, Crackling Oat Bran cost more than four dollars per box. It currently hovers around the five dollar mark. It’s pretty much the Grey Goose of breakfast foodstuffs; a real top-shelf cereal. And you know what? It’s worth every penny. Golden brown O’s dipped in cinnamon and nutmeg = FACEMELTER. The box itself is also smaller than all other cereal boxes, but heavier, too, kind of like a pint of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream in relation to the everyday half-gallon.

Crispix

Crispix is kind of a go-to-guy, the trusty old fellow, that dude who pulls no punches. Like a nursing infant returning to its mother’s breast, Crispix is a familiar teat to suck on. If you can’t handle the relative blandness of the elegant corn/rice combination, you can always pull a BRAVO, and throw some random fruit into the mix. I don’t think that’s entirely necessary, though. Just top it off with a little bit of sugar and BAM, you’re in business, baby.

Apple Jacks

They’re OK. Apple Jacks will never be as popular inside my cupboard as they are around the Marcy Housing Projects of Brooklyn, New York. Let me explain . . . Jay-Z once exclaimed the next major rapper to get signed would have to be “on his grind.” More specifically, he’d have to be “writing down ‘dope rhymes’ on a Saturday morning with nothing but a pen, a pad, and a fat bowl of Apple Jacks.” Apple Jacks sales nearly doubled within the inner city after this statement was made. I am not making this up. Personally, I’ve never been a huge Apple Jacks fan, but must admit they’re part of that rare breed of cereal that doesn’t need milk to be enjoyed. (Other greats include Quaker Oat Squares & Cinnamon Toast Crunch)

Rice Krispies

OVER-RATED! . . . OVER-RATED! . . . OVER-RATED!

Yeah, I said it. There’s barely any real flavor going on here. Snap, Crackle, and Pop may dress differently, but they all taste exactly the same. Unlike Fruity Pebbles, a bowl of Rice Krispies gets a whole lot worse after sitting for more than a minute. If not eaten right away, Rice Krispies are inevitably soggy and tasteless. You really need to jazz things up with a banana. This healthy addition keeps the younger crowd from stealing your cereal, while also serving to bind up grandma’s loose bowel movements. Vote = Make Rice Krispies treats instead.

Reese’s Peanut Butter Puffs

They might be too extreme for some people, but MAN do these dark little fellas hit hard. They’re quite the polarizing balls of cereal, too. Most people I run into either feel they’re absolutely disgusting or some of the greatest puffs on the market. Yes, I discuss Reese’s Puffs with all.

Peanut Butter Bumpers

These babies are organic; not quite as strong as Reese’s Peanut Butter Puffs, but almost as good. PB Bumpers are like a cross between Reese’s Puffs and PB Cap’n Crunch. Note: Most other Bumpers are straight up garbage.

Cookie Crisp

Didn’t the old advertisement make it seem as though you’d be eating mounds of Chips Ahoy soaked in milk? I was under the impression these were half-real cookies until I opened the box and discovered they were much closer to discolored communion wafers, or “hosts” if you’re into that sort of thing. COOOOOKIE Crisppp.

POPS

Remember the guy who’d pour scalding hot water on the heads of toddlers for a single bowl of POPS? Much like Cookie Crisp, I NEEDED those POPS. The first time I ever had POPS they came inside one of those Kellogg’s variety packs. I used to cheat the system that way. No more sugar cereals in the house, Mom? I’m only allowed one box? Oh what’s that? Lucky Charms, POPS, Smacks, Frosted Mini Wheats, and Fruit Loops all in the same pack? SUCKAH.

Hidden Treasures

Some corn squares were empty, some had fruit filling. Some had grape, some had orange, some had cherry. You never knew exactly what was coming with each spoonful. Two years later … they were gone, never to return. Much like cartons of discontinued Ecto Cooler, boxes of Hidden Treasures are probably sitting in some hipster’s bomb shelter beside rare pairs of Chuck Taylors, unreleased Stephen Malkmus bootlegs, and a panoramic photograph of Evergreen State signed by Kimya Dawson.

SMACKS

Rumored to be the unhealthiest cereal on the planet. Two spoonfuls of this shit and your piss will go from semi-clear to dandelion yellow in a second. Interestingly, though, the same can be said for Total, which is arguably the healthiest cereal on the planet. This is also true of white asparagus. Why the hell is this? Any Food Science heads wanna break this down for me?

KASHI

The absolute shittiest cereal known to man. The only other cereal that could give it a run for its money would be the Original Shredded Wheat. Not only did that stuff not have an ounce of sugar on it, it had NOTHING on it. Plus, you had to break it up into pieces yourself and then drop them into the bowl. So, basically, if you like Original Shredded Wheat or Kashi, you’re old, not at all lazy, and/or you take life way too seriously.

* I realize I’ve overlooked Honey Bunches of Oats, Fruity Pebbles, and MANY other top dogs of the cereal world … So, feel free to chime in.

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Yeah, I know G Love is SO 2002 . . . whatever.

Dare I say the greatest looking cereal box of all-time?

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