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Nicole Kidman Gives Birth to Tom Cruise’s Baby

We Put the Cock in Cocktail

Just kidding, everyone knows they never had sex. Early Sunday Monday morning, though, Nicole did give birth to a baby girl. Nicole and her presumptively gay lover du jour, Keith Urban, released the following statement only four hours after the birth:

“Originally, we were dead-set on breaking Hollywood’s streak of oddly-named celebrity babies. After Apple, Violet, Shiloh, Suri and Kingston, we thought the world wanted something more traditional – perhaps a Jessica, or maybe a Laura. Ultimately, however, when the baby finally arrived Monday morning, we could not resist the temptation to selfishly give our baby the weirdest name we could think of. It was a business decision, cold and simple; in order to land on the cover of People magazine, the editors insisted that we set a new standard for weird names. We almost settled on Monday, but at the last minute decided that made too much sense. Our final choice: Sunday Rose Kidman-Urban!”


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