ESPN.com Article I Wouldn’t Read if Somebody Stuck A Gun to My Head

My hat doesn't fit anymore

“A year ago, Matt Murphy caught Barry Bonds’ record 756th homer. How has his life changed?”

-Jemele Hill

Weekend Box Office Wrap Up: 8/18/2008

What do you mean you people

1. Tropic Thunder - $26.0 Million

With all of the controversy about the use of the word “retarded”, I think the bigger issue was Jack Black’s complete inability to be funny.  As an aside, can you imagine how much ass Michael Phelps will get now?

2. The Dark Knight – $16.8 Million

Johnny Depp as the Riddler?  Philip Seymour Hoffman as the Penguin?  How about Rosie O’ Donnell as the overweight Robin?

3.  Star Wars: The Clone Wars - $15.5 Million

Shitty idea.  Looked like an awful movie. 

4.  Mirrors - $11.1 Million

This movie looked really scary in the same vein that the new season of Chuck looks really funny. 

5.  Pineapple Express- $10.0 Million

Really disappointing.  I laughed the hardest when the two asian men were sitting in a truck and they sub-titled in “I have to take a shit”.

Also, crazy to think this guy (Craig Robinson of the office) is an allegedmeth addict.

http://www.boxofficemojo.com/weekend/chart/

Blame It On the Rain

Milly Vanilli…I haven’t thought about them in a long time. In fact it has been weeks. As we know the entire earth and universe are Red Sox fans, hence the name Red Sox Nation.

We all know Red Sox Nation is a marketing creation probably created by George W. Bush, but this gem really made us chuckle. Jonathan Papelbon truly does remind us why white people don’t dance.

Manny Delcarmen illustrates to us what good dancing can look like. Wally the Green Monster reminds us what nightmares feel like. He kinda resembles Jack the Ripper from Last Action hero…yeah I went there…

Romeo & Juliet, Harry & Sally, and now Brandon & Rasheeda

(Photo: USAToday.com)

In a case of he said/she said, Broncos four-year veteran and ex-girlfriend Rasheeda Watley were engaged in a dispute in March 2008. Marshall, the man with a glowing track record of truth telling, initially said during the dispute:

“Initially, Marshall told arriving police the girlfriend’s ’sisters attacked him with a knife, cutting his hand,’ according to a police report on the March 4 fight at his high-rise Atlanta condominium.”

Later however Marshall said:

“But, according to new documents obtained Thursday, when police asked who had the knife, “Marshall stated there was no knife and he had been cut on glass during the fight,” police wrote. It’s unclear how Marshall’s hand was cut on the glass, because when police returned to talk to him in the condo hallway, he had left.”

Not funny however, was the claim of Rasheeda, Brandon’s ex-girlfriend:

“She said they began arguing and Marshall allegedly ‘began to destroy the apartment, threw her on the bed, grasped her head with his hand, and began to slap her,’ according to the police report. Her sisters, Adilah Watley, 21, and Aliyah, 16, gave similar accounts of the alleged assault.”

But like every true American love story, this had a happy ending. Marshall said:

“‘Basically, what it was is I had just gotten into town and the relationship was basically over,’ said Marshall, who owns the Atlanta condo. ‘I told her it was time to end it now, and she didn’t like that. We’ve been dating off and on since the eighth grade, and she said, ‘I’m going to ruin you.’ The only thing I did was try to get out of the house.”‘

You can read the rest of the sordid tale below. However, I think the lesson we can learn here is with enough conviction, pride, and heart in yourself then the truth will prei’vegonecrosseyed

http://www.rockymountainnews.com/news/2008/jun/25/broncos-marshall-blames-march-arrest-ex-girlfriend/

Wishes

Are you there God?

- A cure for a nasty hangover

- A basic understanding of just how much tail Michael Phelps is going to get over the next 30 years of his life

- To be placed in a large white room while men in hazmat suits spray me with a hose as I run on a treadmill.  Vivaldi’s “Four Seasons” plays in the background

Cereal Update: Just Bunches

I thank iliveinthebasment for his well thought out cereal piece that I began thinking about my fav 5 of cereals.  Ya, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Honey Bunches of Oats, and Honey Nut Cheerios is always solid, but now is time for a new creation. 

This story is still breaking so I must hold my excitement.  Rumor is Honey Bunches of Oats is releasing “Just Bunches”, meaning you just get a whole bag full of those delicious cancer clusters they call oats.  I don’t know about you, but I believe this cereal has the chance to be revolutionary good.  This will rival only Micheal Phelps, as the greatest thing to enter the Universe.  Maybe since Phelps eats 12,343,224 calories a day, he can start of his day with two boxes of this wonderful creation.

Just a Heart Attack!

The Good Old Days

An interview with the late Chris Farley on David Letterman.  Between the Chippendale’s Dancer, Matt Foley, Fat Guy in a Little Coat, and that Figure Skating Skit on SNL, he was hysterical.

The Wrong Use of 911

Tell Me How My Ass Taste

From breitbart.com comes the tale of a man who really wanted his sandwich order right.

“Jacksonville police say Reginald Peterson needs to learn that 911 is not the appropriate place to complain that Subway left the sauce off a spicy Italian sandwich.

Police said the 42-year-old man dialed 911 twice last week so he could have his sub made correctly. The second call was to complain that officers weren’t arriving fast enough.”

http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=D92BL5FO0&show_article=1

Sox Get Paul Byrd or a Pedophile

A/S/L?

The Red Sox got Paul Byrd.  I never really looked at Paul Byrd before, until now.  And I don’t wanna make a joke, but if you google imaged Pedophile, would his image not come up?  Honestly now…

Imagined Rick Reilly Teaser of the Week

Is that an emergency parachute or are you happy to see me?

“I’ve flown a fighter jet, lead off an ESPN News segment and wined and dined with Charles Barkley.  So what would the next logical step be?  Do the words tandem diving and felching mean anything to you?”