Forgotten Onion Article of the Week

Elderly Woman Applying Makeup Most Heartbreaking Thing On Earth
“PARMA, OH—In an unbelievably heartrending and entirely futile undertaking intended to recapture some infinitesimal shred of her faded beauty and youth, 82-year-old Rachel Shultz painstakingly put on her makeup Monday. “This is the same shade of lipstick I wore when I met [Shultz's long-dead husband] Kenneth,” Shultz [...]

Olympics…Still More Confusing than Women

I don’t get it. I am just going to come out swinging and ask you America why we care about the Olympics. I am not going to lie, I have watched a ton, got into them too, but still am confused why we care so much about some sport just created and so little about [...]

ESPN.com Article I Wouldn’t Read if Somebody Stuck A Gun to My Head

“A year ago, Matt Murphy caught Barry Bonds’ record 756th homer. How has his life changed?”
-Jemele Hill

Blame It On the Rain

Milly Vanilli…I haven’t thought about them in a long time. In fact it has been weeks. As we know the entire earth and universe are Red Sox fans, hence the name Red Sox Nation.
We all know Red Sox Nation is a marketing creation probably created by George W. Bush, but this gem really made us [...]

Actual Breaking News Headlines from ESPN NEWS

“Rafael Nadal wins Wimbledon”… Cool
“Casey Khame docked 150 points for equipment malfunction”…What? Nascar?
“Brett Favre requests release from Packers”…NO WAY!
“Brett Favre orders Turkey sandwich instead receives Ham”…MONSTERS!!!
“Tampa Bay loses 7th game in a row”…Devil Rays or Rays?
“Philadelphia Soul advances to Arena Bowl XXII”…22??? Say Whaaaa!

Forgotten Onion Article of the Week

Dance-Club Bathroom Left Out Of Gay Couple’s Meeting Story
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/32992

Officially Starting to Worry

Okay now I am just weirded out. I know that Josh Childrees signed somehow 432,432,432 Euros TAX FREE to play basketball in Europe and others have followed, but ESPN is reporting that Earl Boykins has signed for 3.5 million dollars with a team in Italy.
Earl Boykins was basically released from the NBA-hence no one [...]

Putting Soccer, “Futbol”, in its Place

As Americans, we always just think about us. Sure a lot of us watched EURO Cup and the World Cup and it is a pretty fun time and everyone knows we barely care that David Beckham is playing his pro soccer in the U.S. I’ll be honest, I like soccer. I’ve worked [...]

Kwame Brown: Where 6th Chances Happen

It’s official. I don’t get the NBA. It is over. I didn’t even post about Andries Biriieiden (not going to fix spelling because I don’t consider him great) getting 6 years at 67 million because people like John Hollinger of ESPN.COM considered it a wise investment. He is the same guy who liked Enron and [...]

Arena Bowl

Arena Bowl is finally here thank god. It is the 22nd bowl, ok I will just stop here. 22? 22 of these things? I will pay someone literally one thousand dollars if they know the last three winners. i think the Crush may have one once, I mean I live in Colorado and am still [...]