Forgotten Onion Article of the Week

Elderly Woman Applying Makeup Most Heartbreaking Thing On Earth “PARMA, OH—In an unbelievably heartrending and entirely futile undertaking intended to recapture some infinitesimal shred of her faded beauty and youth, 82-year-old Rachel Shultz painstakingly put on her makeup Monday. “This is the same shade of lipstick I wore when I met [Shultz's long-dead husband] Kenneth,” [...]

Actual Quote from an Actual Friend

“I don’t know if I have an STD but I’m pissing Mayo and my balls look like a slalom run”