Imagined Rick Reilly Teaser of the Week

Is that an emergency parachute or are you happy to see me?

“I’ve flown a fighter jet, lead off an ESPN News segment and wined and dined with Charles Barkley.  So what would the next logical step be?  Do the words tandem diving and felching mean anything to you?”

A Race Even I Could Win

Given that its Olympic time comes this classic clip from the 2004 Sydney Olympics.  Three swimmers.  One race.  Two are disqualified.  You do the math…

In Search of the Great American Brew

Manly men nationwide have been lamenting Budweiser's jump across the pond. I bet some of these men now listen to Death Cab for Cutie's 'Transatlanticism' when no one is watching.

Nectar of the Gods. The Golden Elixir. Redneck Kool-Aid. Suds. Brewskis. Man in a Can. Whatever you want to call it, America’s version seems to be in trouble these days.

Millions of beer-drinking Americans have been up in arms ever since European-based InBev bought out Anhueser-Busch last month. Now, only a few American-based breweries remain. So, the major question being posed is this: which beer will take over Budweiser’s role as the Great American Brew?

Could Sammy A’s become the next Great American Brew?

Samuel Adams often assisted Benjamin Franklin in 'Eiffel Towering' wenches

It’s possible, but not very likely considering the average price of a six-pack. But still, I think it’s Samuel Adams’s chance to branch out further and capture America’s beer-drinking heart with its authentically patriotic brand. Ah, (Boston-region baritone) SAMUEL ADAMS.

Could Yeungling a.k.a. “Vitamin-Y” become the next Great American Brew?

Four more plus a couple key bumps ... Yup, I'll morph right back into Barry ...

It’s doubtful because the family-owned brewery will neither sell nor expand. Yuengling has been creating beer in Pennsylvania for nearly two-hundred years. It’s the oldest brewery in the US, and it’s still only available in a dozen states, all of which are located along the eastern seaboard. It’s fun to say, though. YING-LING.

Could Narragansett become the next Great American Brew?

It's effin 'Gansett ya ree-tahd.

Probably not, but it’s a fine wobbly pop nonetheless. Narragansett or “fuckin ‘Gansett” to Skoal-dipping folks of New England, was one of the more popular beers in America during the late 70’s. It’s based out of Rhode Island, and a nice pitcher of its lager ain’t a bad deal if you’re strictly looking to get shitfaced.

Could Pabst Blue Ribbon become the next Great American Brew?

Gee, I'm a huge sweater-vest-wearing tool. How the hell did all of today's Pabst drinkers become so cool?!?

Many people are saying the red, white, and blue brand may soon wear the crown, but there’s no way that‘ll happen. Why, you ask? Well, first of all, the taste of Pabst vaguely resembles that of cat urine. Moreover, Pabst Blue Ribbon isn’t even a true American brew. It closed its Milwaukee brewery ten years ago. Bottles and cans of PBR are now produced by the Miller company, which mixes its poison somewhere in South Africa. So, technically, becoming the next Great American Brew should be impossible. One thing’s for sure: if PBR ever replaced Bud on a cultural level, hipsters would have no choice but to go ahead and find themselves another retro-chic beer to champion. Wow, that’s pathetic.

CONCLUSION: There will never be another Great American Brew ever again. At least not in our lifetime. Sip on that.

SO … you might’ve already seen this video, but anyway, on a slightly tangential note, here you go:

Maybe I’m not cool/hip enough, but I LOVE IT. It’s all too true/hilarious.

Cheers, mate.