Forgotten Onion Article of the Week

Elderly Woman Applying Makeup Most Heartbreaking Thing On Earth

Have you seen my glasses?

Have you seen my glasses?

“PARMA, OH—In an unbelievably heartrending and entirely futile undertaking intended to recapture some infinitesimal shred of her faded beauty and youth, 82-year-old Rachel Shultz painstakingly put on her makeup Monday. “This is the same shade of lipstick I wore when I met [Shultz’s long-dead husband] Kenneth,” Shultz said as she steadied her palsied right hand with her left while applying the bright red cosmetic to her thin, bloodless lips, a process that only served to accentuate the weathered crevices crisscrossing her face like hundreds of tiny dried riverbeds. “That was in Cleveland right after the war, back when I was a candy striper. I was quite the looker.” Shultz later dozed lightly in the lobby of her assisted-living center while waiting for her daughter to drive her to a friend’s funeral.

http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/elderly_woman_applying

Actual Quote from an Actual Friend

We wait on bed sheets... and toilet seats

We wait on bed sheets... and toilet seats

“I don’t know if I have an STD but I’m pissing Mayo and my balls look like a slalom run”

Woody’s World: Still A Vacuum of Depressing Nothingness

Get Wide!

Get Wide!

I was watching this, Woody Paige’s thoughts on Alexander “Sasha” Artemev’s, a Colorado Native’s winning of a bronze medel, and it reminded me of a few things:

- Woody Paige sitting their, no production value as we’ve touched on before, is boring

- As he continually tries to say Alexander “Sasha” Artemev(I don’t know how to spell it but that’s how he said it)

- His “sign off” of “I’m Woody Paige, and I’ll see you in the sports pages” is up there with “Here’s Johnny” and “Rectum, Damn Near Killed Em'”

 

http://videocenter.denverpost.com/services/link/bcpid1480107696/bclid1481452837/bctid1726720362

Actual Quote From An Actual Friend

I been shaked

I been shaked

“I’m laying in the park on my lunch break dreaming of a life that doesn’t so closely resemble hell”

Can It Be Done?!!??!

I need your help people.  Can it be done?  Most girls these days like Abercrombie wearing, hair that you cant stop staring, and popped collars that knock your socks off.  I would think they would want a guy who could eat 5 big macs. 

The time limit? Still TBD.  I told my friend Paul I could nom nom nom them in about 20 minutes, and he said he would pay me 50 bucks.  I have not trained for this, but I think if I have the right state of mind it could be done.  Paul also said he would pay for price of big macs (approx 15 dollars) and 50 more if I could do it.  But as I said I need to know how much time I could get?  Okay Fair Pole readers (that’s 20 of you) please comment on the chances of this happening!!!

YES WE CAN!!!

5….5 freaking biggggg macs (in the tune of the subway 5 dollar foot longs)

nom nom nom

Special Sauce

Forgotten Onion Article of the Week

That Full House Episode Where They Meet The Beach Boys Is On Tomorrow At 3 P.M.

Im hungry - Brian Wilson

"I'm hungry" - Brian Wilson

Walk It Out

Maybe I’ve posted this before, but I don’t think I have.  What’s important is how unbelievable this is.  It’s from the 1960’s but somebody with wayyy too much time on their hands (i.e. updating a blog with only hundreds of readers every day), noticed that their choreographed dance was spot on with Unk’s “Walk It Out”.

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